I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
