If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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