Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
