She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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