i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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