Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
