i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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