i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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