I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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