toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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