So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
