if i can run in heels then i can drive
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
