Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
MIDGETS
????
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
