remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
