it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
