Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
