i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
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Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
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Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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