why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
