i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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