its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I am one with the molecules
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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