God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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