u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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