i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
