you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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