Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
