roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think people are normalizing furries
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
