the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
