Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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