did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
