that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
where are you?
Hypothermia
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
