Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
