Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm just crazy horny about you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
