i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
