I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
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I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize