you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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