So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
