Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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