there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
