just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
