I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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