I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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