I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm experimenting with sincerity
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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