I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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