Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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