We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
