I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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