I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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