Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
