He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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