I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
