ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
