what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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