dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
