I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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