I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
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So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
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He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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