It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
