I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
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