Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
