if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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