just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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